


Gotta Hand it to You, Grillby

by StripestheBoar



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Arguments, Comedy, Divorce, Gen, Grillby has an ex wife, Heats is his son, Language, Relationship Problems, Tons of puns, also a bit tense, just btw, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 05:02:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13651965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripestheBoar/pseuds/StripestheBoar
Summary: After an argument over their daughter, Sans finds out that Grillby's ex-wife is coming to confront his pal. Sans decides to hang around to defend his buddy, but it doesn't go so well.





	Gotta Hand it to You, Grillby

**Author's Note:**

> This was a joke ship made by withtheworms on Tumblr, and now it's my headcanon.

“And we’re back!” Toriel sighed, walking through the entrance of her home. Fuku looked up from the couch, her green flame flickering in greeting as she quickly stood up. Toriel let out a soft yawn as she set her bag down on the arm of the couch, Papyrus, Sans, Alphys, and Undyne all following after her with their arms full of late night Christmas shopping gifts, all of them already wrapped after a long night’s work. The boss monster instructed them to put them under the tree, asking them to be quiet so as to not disturb the kids if they were sleeping. “Have a good night, Ms. T?” Fuku asked, folding her hands in front of her lap. The teen looked tired herself from the way her flames seemed dull compared to how they vibrant they always were. “As well as it can be,” the mother sighed, rubbing an eye and removing the scarf from around her neck. “I again apologize for asking you to stay up so late. It’s just that, well, you know how Flowey is around this time. Speaking of which, how were the kids? Did they behave?”

Fuku let out a small giggle, picking up her handbag and slinging it onto her shoulder. “It’s really no big deal. I need the G, anyways. And the kids were just fine. Flowey was a bit difficult, but Frisk was really good all night. They colored a bit before dinner and went to bed after eating some pie.” Toriel smiled softly and nodded, picking up her purse and digging for the money needed to pay the teen. “Again, thank you,” she smiled, handing over the G to her. “It’s no problem, Ms. T. I enjoyed it.” She let out a yawn, which caught Toriel’s attention.

“Oh dear, you must be exhausted. Would you like me to drive you home?” she offered, gesturing to the door. Fuku shook her head in return. “Nah, I’m not going home. I’m staying at my friend’s place so I don’t have to hear my dad all night.”

“Oh? He’s keeping you up all night?” she asked, to which the flame monster gave a shrug. “Yeah… I guess,” she replied. “He’s been fighting with my mom on the phone again. They haven’t been able to get along since they separated years back.” She looked to the side, clearly disgruntled about the whole thing. “Mom’s gonna confront him tomorrow at his bar, so I’m staying with Blaine all Sunday while Heats stays with his friend Maggie.” Toriel put a hand to her chest, her expression showing empathy for the young teen. She knew what it was like to fight with a spouse and wished children would never be around to see the effects of a nasty divorce on their parents. “Oh dear, that sounds dreadful,” she rumbled softly. “Unfortunately things like this just happen. People become unhappy with each other and just can’t seem to resolve it. Well I wish the best for your parents.” She looked towards the kitchen, where the monsters were chatting over some pieces of pie. “Would you like Sans to take you to your friends’ house? I’m sure he knows a shortcut.”

Fuku nodded appreciatively at the offer, strolling over to Sans to ask for the trip home. The skeleton was happy to do so, finishing the piece of pie and getting out his chair. He led her out he door, and within a few minutes, he returned without her. 

“Welp, I’m absolutely spent,” Sans sighed, looking up at Toriel. “I’m heading back home with Paps, cool?” The boss monster gave a soft nod, but gently touched his shoulder as he was leaving in order to catch his attention.

“It seems that your friend Grillby is having trouble with his former marriage, and I worry of the effect it’s having on his daughter and their home life,” she murmured. “According to Fuku, they’re going to have a confrontation at the bar tomorrow. As much as I don’t want others to intervene in such matters, do you think-?”

Sans quieted her with a wave of his hand. “Say no more, Tori. I  _goat_  you. I’ll be there to give Grillbz some support,” he assured her. Toriel gave a small smile of appreciation. “Thank you, Sans.” He just shrugged and waved it off, saying goodbye to everyone before he took Papyrus and went home.

* * *

“As much as Grillby appreciates your coming here, Sans, he says you probably shouldn’t stick around for tonight,” the duck monster said, translating for Grillby as he usually did. Sans himself could understand Grillby just fine, but still appreciated the effort. “‘Ey, don’t you worry about me, Grillbz,” Sans chuckled, taking a sip of his ketchup. “Us guys gotta stick together, right? So what’s your ex look like, anyways?”

Bill, the duck monster, just shrugged. “Not sure. She never comes around the bar, y’know? From what Grillby says, she was pretty.”

“Beautiful even,” Grillby hummed, drying and placing the recently washed glasses. “I used to call her ‘my echo flower’ back when we were still in love. Now I can’t stand the sight of her.” Sans furrowed his brow, setting his ketchup bottle down. “Really? Heh, I guess that  _fire_  died down, huh? I’m surprised at you, Grillbz. I didn’t take you for the temperamental type, y’know? You’re always so reserved. This lady must really get you  _fired_  up.”

Grillby peered down at Sans from over his glasses, setting down the rag. “Very funny. Well, believe me, there’s something about her that just… twists me the wrong way. Just looking at her can put me in an unpleasant mood. If it wasn’t for the kids, I would have regretted being with her altogether,” he muttered. “And by the way, if you are going to stay for the talk, there will be no jokes.”

Sans blinked in surprise, letting out a shocked “huh?” Grillby crossed his arms. “You heard me. No jokes, Sans. No puns. No wordplay. No tricks and no pranks. If you can do that, I’ll pay you fifty G.” Sans looked at the counter, reaching a hand to rub the back of his cervical vertebrae. “Geeze, Grillby, that’s probably the hardest thing you’ve ever asked me to do. But, hey, for fifty G? I can do it,” he shrugged. “Besides, I’ve already used all my fire jokes on you before. I don’t think I’ll cry over a missed pun opportunity. You got it, Grillbz.”

That reassurance seemed to lift a bit of weight off of his shoulders. “Thank you, Sans,” he sighed. “She’s a bit of a… you know. She’s much more short-tempered than I am.” That wasn’t too surprising, seeing how calm Grillby tended to be, even in tense situations. “I get you. I’ll be sure to keep my mouth shut and just be here for bro support,” Sans chuckled, taking another swig of ketchup.

As the hours began to tick by, people began leaving the bar and grill. Even the more frequent patrons left the area with a bit of prodding from the two monsters. Soon enough, the establishment was empty, save for them. They spent their time chatting, the camaraderie of the room still resonating between the two long-time friends. 

“So what does she look like?” the small skeleton asked, grabbing yet another ketchup bottle and taking a swig. “I wanna recognize her when she walks in.”

“Oh, trust me, you’ll know when you see her,” Grillby sighed, setting up the chairs as if he were going to be closing up the bar. Well, that tidbit didn’t help much, but still left tons of room for Sans to let his imagination run wild. What type of woman would Grillby go for? He had always imagined his ex being another fire monster, possibly a cool purple color. Or maybe it wasn’t a fire monster at all; was she a Pyrope? Hell, maybe she was a Vulkin. Those things were pretty  _hot_. Heh. He cracks himself up. He had to get some of the easy puns out of the way if he was going to survive having two Hotland monsters in the same room.

Just as he was thinking of this, the front door audibly opened. Sans quickly took out his comb and raked it against the top pf his skull; appearances matter, after all. He turned around in his seat.

“Hey Grillbz, it looks like you got another cu-“

Sans was forced to a stop.

The woman at the front doors was not purple as he had originally guessed, but was a navy blue in skin-tone. Still dressed in an outfit he recognized as being a tight black Mettaton Resort uniform blouse and skirt with matching heels, she looked around her her hands on hips.  _Speaking_ of hands, she had three them. One on each wrist, and a god damn giant one replacing her head, with the index and thumb both sticking out and each nail painted a glossy crimson.

Sans stared for a second. He then got up, walked over to Grillby, and pulled him behind the counter.

“I can’t do this,” he confessed. “What are you talking about?” Grillby asked, clearly confused. “She a  _hand_ , Grillby. You didn’t tell me she was going to be a  _hand_!” The fire monster didn’t seem to understand the dire situation, instead attempting to pull away. “Sans, I don’t-“ Grillby was quickly pulled back in by Sans, who grasped both of his shoulders and stared at him with black, empty sockets. “ _Do you even know how many hand puns are out there?_ ”

His friend just pushed him away with an annoyed spark and stood up straight, fixing his bow tie as he left Sans to collect himself.

“Grillby,” the hand monster greeted stiffly, her heels clicking against the wooden floorboards as she approached. “Index,” Grillby replied in the same stilted tone.

“You know, if you and your new boyfriend are going to go behind the counter, you might as well lock the doors so no one sees,” his ex-wife told him, to which he noticeably winced in annoyance. “A friend,” he corrected, crossing his arms. “He’s only a friend. Now, I assume you want to talk about Fuku?”

“You’re damn right I do!” she huffed, placing her hands (the lower ones) on the counter. “The hell do you think you are? Thinking that you have jurisdiction over ourdaughter? She’s in  _my_  custody, Grillby!”

“Yes, but she’s in  _my_ care for the month,” he replied, getting a little hot. Sans was still hiding behind the counter, attempting to regain his composure so he could support his friend with a straight face. “The only reason you even heard about the concert was because she texted you after I told her she couldn’t go!”

“Which was complete bullshit!” she argued. “She’s almost eighteen! She’d gotten good grades in school, she’s stayed out of trouble, and she’s been well-behaved all month. She deserves to go.” 

“It’s  _Shyren_ ’sconcert, and she’s having it back in the Underground, in  _Waterfall_ ,” Grillby shot back. “You know what water does to fire monsters like her. And with that reckless friend of hers, she could get seriously injured!”

Sans stood up from under the counter. “Okay, okay, I’m ready.” He looked up at Index. “Uh, yeah, Grillby’s right. Accidents happen, y’know? Fuku’s a bit rebellious, from what I heard. I know from personal experience what water can do to people like Grillbz. She could get hurt.”

Index’s head seemed to be staring in his general direction for a few seconds, but soon turned back to face Grillby. “Well, I have to hand it to you, Grill. I didn’t think your social life could sink- what the hell are you doing?”

Sans was bent over the counter, clutching his skull.

“Don’t mind him,” Grillby huffed, giving Sans an annoyed nudge. “What matters is our daughter. I won’t let you put her life in jeopardy.” “Jeopardy? She’s not a little girl anymore! She can handle herself,” Index responded, tense with simmering anger. 

“Handle herself? Oh, you mean like how she repeatedly doesn’t home for hours and smokes copper with her friends?” he pointed out. “And you let her, let me remind you. She doesn’t even come home some nights and you act like it’s fine! Remember the time she and her friend drove her car into a pit after a party and had to call  _me_ to come get her because you slept through her calls?”

“Oh, you always bring that up, like it’s some nail in the coffin,” Index scoffed.

Sans was now shaking, pounding his fist onto the countertop.

“She’s a teenager, Grillby,” she continued. “She has rebellious streaks. She likes to party. She likes to have fun. It’s what teenagers do for god’s sake! It’s not like she’s snorting Temmie flakes or anything. You need to let her live a little! Stop having such a stick up your ass!”

“Oh, you think have it all figured out, huh?” the fire monster sneered. “I bet you think you have the entire situation in the palm of your hand.”

Sans was now crying physical tears. No man nor monster has shown this level of restraint.

“Well if it was up to me, she wouldn’t be hanging out with those friends of hers, anyways,” he kept going. “They’re a bad influence on her! And that Shyren? She’s a water monster, if you haven’t heard. She shouldn’t be within fifty feet of that acid trap.”

Index didn’t reply at first. And then the beck atop her head shifted to one giant middle finger at him.

“Oh that is just like you,” Grillby muttered. “You just do that and you’ll think I’ll just hand you whatever you want, hmm?”

Sans was now repeatedly slamming his head into counter.

“How about you fuck off?” Index spat, her giant index finger stretching over and giving him a hard nudge in the chest, something she knew he absolutely hated from her. She quickly recoiled, however, the finger rubbing against her thumb. “You burned me!” she cried, the tip of her finger slowly starting to redden from the burn. “Oh, did I?  _Whoops_ ,” Grillby said mockingly, giving a large shrug. Enraged, Index’s finger curled up, before quickly flicked the fire monster. The force shot Grillby back into the rack of alcohol bottles, causing them to tip over and smash beside him.

Sans was still having a mental breakdown.

Grillby didn’t move for a second, but soon slowly inched his way back go his feet. “Oh…” He rolled up his sleeves. “You…” He loosened his bow tie. “Bitch.”

Index’s hands gestured for him to come forward. “Come at me, fucker! I can handle you just fine!”

Sans collapsed onto the floor, about to go into a comatose state.

The two were so about to fuck each other up, if it wasn’t for the door suddenly and unexpectedly opening up. The two turned in surprise to see Fuku standing there, looking disappointed with her arms crossed. “Ugh, you can just go one hour without delving into fights, huh?” she groaned.

“Don’t worry, honey,” Index said quickly. “Your father’s just being a major tight ass.”

“Excuse me? How about you actually care about our daughter, you priss?” Grillby spat, quickly attempting to compose himself.

“Ugh. You’re both such assholes. You really do deserve each other,” Fuku muttered. Her flame head morphed into a giant middle finger before she stormed back out. 

Index and Grillby both watched her leave, both equally as shocked. Taking one quick look at each other and wasting no time, they hurried towards the front door to follow after her.

“Fuku, honey, what are you talking about?” Index worried.

“Fuku, if we hurt your feelings, we didn’t mean it!” Grillby quickly added.

Once both had left, all that was left was Sans’ silent sobs. Then, with  one final effort, he forced his way off the floor and back up to the counter, slamming his palm onto the top. He took in one deep breath and-

“A hand for a wife? That’s pretty handy! You just  _nail_ it with women, huh? Wow Grillby, I really have to  _hand_  it to you, there’s some  _fire_  in you after all. I mean, I would never think there was such a  _spark_ in there, but damn, you’ve got it all in the  _palm_ of your  _hand_. I wouldn’t  _finger_ you for the type to like blue, but I sense  _flames_ of desirebetween you two. I mean, you’re on  _fire_  right now! Don’t  _hand_ her the victory and go down  _fists_ raised, buddy. This are really  _heating up_ right now and I better leave before it gets  _hot_ and heavy. She looks like she really want to  _nail_ you right now, so put your  _palms_  up because I think she might just  _backhand_ you! You can do it! Extinguish those  _flames_! Take your  _fiery fist_  of death and end me now!”

With one final gasp, he promptly had a stroke and fell back down onto the floor.


End file.
